What do people expect out of life? I think most would have “pursuit of happiness” as a goal. The typical middle-class American life is getting a good job, starting a family, and live an active life. With kidney failure, two of those things are now out of reach for me. I’ve been trying to ignore being single and sick but with the latest doctor’s visit, it’s hard not to think about it. What if this transplant attempt doesn’t work out? What if the future is more hemodialysis? There are a lot of side symptoms that come along with kidney failure. What if things get worse everywhere? At what point is life not worth living?
It’s a lot of work to set up the cycler every night. A few nights ago, I was close to passing out from fatigue while setting up. My abdomen is always sore from overfill and now that I’m down to my dry weight, my legs cramp all the time. Why suffer through this if m going to die soon anyway?
But if I don’t expect anything, then life on dialysis is still tolerable. I don’t have to travel. There are lots of single people. There are more painful diseases side effects from dialysis. Then there’s always the hope for a transplant. I guess it all comes down to expectations.
It’s Sunday night again. Another week of exhausting work and falling asleep driving home.
Life with chronic diseases 