Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The visitor today was a pastor from my parents’ church. He is from the same area as my mom in Malaysia so they speak the same dialect; basically Teochew but with some Malay words mixed in. He was trying to encourage me so he shared Psalm 23 with me; we don’t know God’s plan but we trust that it will work out in the end, no matter how bad it looks now.

So this ties in to another thought I’ve been having lately. It’s a different “Why?” question then what I previously posted. Instead of “why are all these bad things happening to me,” I’m wondering “why am I still here?” Or more specifically, “why am I not dead?” The mortality rate for dialysis patients is not good. According to UCSF:

Mortality rates vary depending on the ESRD treatment. After one year of treatment, those on dialysis have a 20-25% mortality rate, with a 5-year survival rate of 35%.

I’ve been on dialysis for 2.5 years now and I’m still alive. In addition, the leading cause of death in the general population and dialysis patients is cardiovascular disease. By stupid luck, I think I survived a heart attack that I did not feel, and now recovering from bypass surgery which basically gave me a refurbished heart. Why am I not dead?

From Psalm 23, it sounds like King David is in a bad place. He uses words like “the valley of the shadow of death” and “I will fear no evil.” Yet David chooses to trust that God will provide for him and lead him. Is that the lesson? The visiting pastor said that I may be going through all this so I can be a comfort to other in the future. That’s great and all but seems like a high price to pay for the privilege. Maybe I’ll learn more at the Kidney Disease Support Group tomorrow.

I am reminded that Jesus experienced crucifixion an death for our sins so whatever “suffering” I’m experiencing pales in comparison.