Dreams

I had another dream several nights ago that included my ex-wife. We were walking to an ex-coworker’s apartment somewhere in Irvine. I can’t remember if we were holding hands but the walk was only several blocks. While in the dream, everything felt natural and real. When I woke up, it took a few moments to remember that we divorced a long time ago. You would think feelings would go away after 13 years but it was still pretty raw and painful.

Each time I come to dialysis I see some patients that come in with their spouse. Of course I don’t know their relationship but the fact they’re together says something. I don’t know if I was still married when I started dialysis, would my ex-wife stick around? Would she volunteer to donate a kidney? It saddens me that I don’t know the answer.

Part of the reason I’m in therapy are these dreams. I try really hard to forget my ex-wife but I can’t control my dreams. These episodes transport me to the past and I feel the loss and pain of her leaving again. Sometimes I end up crying for a long time after waking up. That’s probably not healthy.

While connecting me to the machine this morning, my dialysis nurse asked me if I thought about home hemodialysis and whether I had a care partner. You should have a care partner if you do home hemodialysis since a small error can cause you to bleed out and die. I live with my parents but that’s not the same as having a spousal partner. Sigh… I’m getting depressed again just typing this.

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There is a famous Chinese pop singer named 張惠妹 or A-MEI and she has a song called 連名帶姓. It think it’s about not forgetting an ex. If you look on YouTube, the first comment under the official MV is a really long message from some guy talking about how he broke up with his ex six years ago but he still thinks about her and loves her. The song and the message is in Chinese. My Chinese is terrible but I could read >50% of the message and it’s pretty sad. A lot of A-MEI’s songs are sad too. It was kind of weird sitting in dialysis reading the message and crying, while hoping I understood enough Chinese characters to get the meaning right.