Hopelessness

I read a post on Reddit where the poster’s mother is stopping dialysis. Typically, you can live about two weeks without dialysis depending on your residual kidney function. I haven’t thought too much about how close to death I am but it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind.

Some of my coworkers and friends comment on how “strong” I am, having to deal with all these health issues. Really I’m not. Lately, I’m dreading each dialysis session. When I’m sitting in the dialysis chair, I keep looking at the time remaining display wishing that time would run faster. The only thing that’s keeping me going is the potential for a live donor kidney transplant in the near future. The strong ones are those patients that don’t qualify for a transplant yet go to dialysis day after day, month after month, year after year.

I thought the Kidney Disease Support Group at Saddleback Church would help. I imagined a small group setting where patients would share their experiences and encourage each other. Rather, it’s more like a Q&A session for people just diagnosed with kidney disease. Maybe I’ve picked up one or two pieces of information but it really hasn’t done anything to help my anxiety or despair about my condition. Now that my therapist put me on hold due to possible insurance issues, I don’t have anyone to talk to.