Another sleepless night. It almost 6:00 am and I’ve been unable to fall asleep. In addition to the physical issues, I can’t seem to shut my mind off to sleep. I keep thinking about and regretting the past.
There are so many thoughts swirling in my head that I can’t write coherently. I’ll have to continue this later…
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I just got hooked up for dialysis. For some reason, they’re way behind today. I had to wait about 30 minutes to get connected. They also decided to wait until Saturday to try out the fistula since today is lab day.
Back to the post. Yeah, a lot of regrets…
- Divorce: I still have dreams about ex-wife all the time. I should have done more to be a better person and maybe she wouldn’t have left me. Kidney failure and dialysis would probably be easier with a support partner.
- Health: For several years after the divorce, I basically ignored my health. The thought was whatever happened, it would be karma for being a bad husband. Looking back, that’s really stupid.
- Dialysis: I put off a lot of decisions because I did not want an ugly fistula. That was why I switched to peritoneal dialysis, which probably made my health worse and I ended up with a fistula anyway.
- Work: I was just talking to the social worker intern and realized that throughout my work career, I’ve probably worked 50-60 hours a week. Would I be in a better place if I took less stressful jobs? Also, I’m a bit lost with my new responsibilities. The fact that I only go three times a week is not helping me catch up.
- Children: What would happen if my ex-wife and I had kids? Would we still be together? Would I be more motivated to take care of my health?
People sometimes ask hypothetically if you could go back in time, is there anything you would change? I have a huge list of changes I want to make and that is depressing.
Life with chronic diseases 