It’s just a number.
I saw a post on r/dialysis today asking dialysis patients about religion. Pretty much in line with Reddit’s demographics, mostly liberal young white males, most of the responses were from atheists and agnostics. There were some exceptions but the non-religious majority was quite noticeable. I was going to post a reply but discussing religion online seems to be a risky proposition with very little rewards. Still thinking about it. Currently there are only 34 comments on the thread since r/dialysis is not that popular of a subreddit.
Even if I don’t post it, I’ll come back and edit this post with my thoughts, most of which I’ve posted before.
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For me, religion has always been a personal thing. I’m naturally an introvert so going out and engaging strangers in evangelism is not ideal for me. Usually I like to work behind the scenes so I fit right in with sound engineering. Even playing the bass on stage, you’re basically at the back and no one notices you anyway. I’m also terrible with having a consistent prayer and quiet time. I usually get up too late, or just fall asleep at night. I’m not very disciplined when it comes to personal time. That just means my relationship with God is not as it should be. So when people at church talk about hearing from God, I’m usually clueless about it.
Of course, as a Christian, you think about good and evil, and why things happen. Theology says God has a plan that is too grand for humans to understand. We just need to trust that God is sovereign and all thinks work out for the good in the end. It sounds and feels good, but when you are in the fourth hour of dialysis for the third time this week, and you feel totally drained, those words are of little comfort. I talk about asking the “Why?” question all the time but there’s no answer yet. It’s a daily struggle between faith and the reality of living with a chronic disease that’s trying to kill you.
There’s also supernatural healing, which is discussed a lot in the Bible, and our church is a big believer in healing. I’ve been the subject of several church-wide prayers about healing for my kidneys, but I don’t there was any physical change. This is another challenging area for me since with God’s promise of healing, there’s hope. But how long does hope last? Three years? I’m already beyond that point. Five? Ten? Twenty-five years? I’ve also mentioned that this hope has affected my decision making about dialysis and managing my health, not always for the better in hindsight. The fact that I thought dialysis was temporary for so long probably prevented me from getting a fistula until now, and taking a huge risk in having the first “temporary” catheter for 20 months.
What’s real though is the support from my cell group. I’ve only know them for four years but they have been very supportive and a big help during my heart surgery recovery. It’s good to know that a group of people know your struggles and are praying/cheering for you. I share a lot with the group, stuff that I wouldn’t tell my family. Since I’m divorced, I don’t have the spousal support that I see many patients have so the cell group is the next best thing. They all seem to be much more spiritual than me so maybe I’m learning a few things as well.
In the end, I do think you need some kind of support while going through dialysis and the entire transplant waiting game. If you can get that through family or friends, that’s great. Church seems to be another place you can get support. Also, there is the question of what happens if you die from kidney failure? Do patients normally think about it since death is so close-by? What do atheists/agnostics believe about the afterlife? Do you just die and disappear? Verifiable or not, I believe religion tries to provide an answer to that question, and it’s one less thing for me to worry about.
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As of now, I don’t think I’ll post this on Reddit.
Life with chronic diseases 