Suicide

I have been on a Running Man binge lately, downloading and watching episodes. Last night, I came across episode 388, which had Goo Hara as a guest. Unfortunately, she committed suicide in November 2019. I remember this very clearly since it was the first weekend after my discharge from heart bypass surgery. I was a big KARA fan and had seen them in concert at the Hollywood Bowl in 2010.

Anyway, clicking on links in YouTube, I found an upload of a Instagram live that Hara recorded right before she committed suicide. Sadly, it was a video message to Sulli, another K-Pop idol from the group f(x) that had also committed suicide six weeks earlier. Reading through online articles, it seemed both were victims of online bullying, with Hara also physically abused by her ex-boyfriend. He also threatened Hara with releasing sex videos taken without her consent.

I am not sure why I posted this. It was very sad to watch the Running Man episode. In hindsight, the introduction interview with Hara was super cringey when they talked about her prior comment about marriage. Even though I listen to a lot of K-Pop, it is a brutal industry, especially for girl groups. Also in Korea, similar to other East Asian countries, mental health is not really considered, and those that seek counseling or therapy are considered mentally weak. Very sad.

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Post heart surgery, I had to switch back to hemodialysis. The first few weeks were very tough since I could not really walk, and had to use a wheelchair to go from the parking lot to the clinic. I also felt terrible, with chest pains and anxiety. I even got sent to the ER during dialysis due to a likely panic attack. However, I had a lot of support, even if most of it was online from text messages and email. I did not have strangers cyberbullying me or experience physical abuse. Even then, I had moments where I though about giving up, and just stop going to dialysis. Now that I am in a much better place, I can see how depression can mess with your perception of reality, and how hard it is to overcome it on your own. I do not understand why people are so toxic online. Is it the anonymity? Are those people like that in real life, face-to-face interactions?