Depressed Again

I am not sure what is happening, but I feel more depressed lately. I have had these feelings before, especially when I am stuck in a bad spot. For example, during a bad dialysis session or during bypass surgery recovery. I just got home from work after picking up dinner at Panini Kabob Grill. They forgot to give me basmati rice. It is really not a big deal, but I felt so defeated. Then I could not find my rice container, so I ended up just standing in the kitchen holding the rice cooker pot in a daze. I finally snapped out of it and cooked some rice. It will not be the same though.

What is going on? I think I am realizing how lonely I am since my divorce. Part of this is from my pending retirement. I will likely quit my job in early 2024, but I do not have any plans, nor anyone to share them with. It has been so long since my divorce that I cannot imagine dating again.

I also met a new friend at work. She is only twenty-five and very socially active. It has been fun and slightly educational talking to her about her dating challenges, but it also made me realize how boring I was in the past, and how boring my life is now. There is a lot of regret, but also helplessness, as if I am watching a movie about the rest of my life. The problem is that I am even less motivated to do anything.

I also cannot see very well as I am recovering from cataract surgery. Even if I start trying to date and meet someone, what woman wants an old, broken down guy?