I have been struggling physically and mentally for the past two weeks. I do not remember ever being this stressed out, even after the previous ankle surgery, or during the darkest moments of dialysis. I am being overwhelmed by the constant pressure from the ankle cast and possible catastrophic results if my heel bone fracture does not heal.
What I am also struggling with is what to do with all the regret I have. Even though I know it is terrible for my mental health to dwell on the past, I cannot control my thoughts at all. So many “what if” questions that have no answers. What if I did not attend the holiday work party? What if my friend did not go back to the roller skating area after skipping it previously? What if I was not trying to impress my coworkers? What if I just took off the skates after the first fall and not tried to skate back to the bench? What if I went to get an x-ray after rolling my ankle? What if I questioned why we did not follow the 50% weight restriction with the physical therapist? What if?
Then there are the “why” questions, especially as a Christian who believes God is sovereign? I am not trying to shift blame for my stupidity as I am the one that decided to put on the roller skates. But if God is sovereign, then what is the purpose of all this suffering? I had the exact same question after my divorce, after my heart surgery, and during years of dialysis. Why me?
My faith is weak. Occasionally I even question the existence of God. And if He exists, does He care about us personally? If not, then there is no purpose to suffering and life is just random coincidence. All the lyrics from the worship songs I am listening to ask I type this post are meaningless lies. What then?
Being alone makes the mental challenges a thousand times worse. After my parents moved out two years ago, I have been very alone. Now that I am retired and have no more work interactions, it will get worse. I am also very bad at receiving grace from others. I am blessed with close family and friends but I feel like a burden if I need to ask for help. Several friends already admonished me that people care and I need to reach out before I risk hurting myself further. But how?
Despite some of the challenges I mentioned above, I have always thought that I was mentally resilient. Whatever happens in life, I would adapt and keep moving forward. The past six months have shown me a different reality. I am swearing a lot more. I am talking to myself out loud more. I am unable to sleep because my mind is racing with thoughts of regret. I am depressed because all I see going forward is loneliness. What if I am unable to handle life and have a mental breakdown? Will I even know?
What do I do now? I know it is not scientific but my MBTI type is ISTJ so I should make a list:
- Physical: Follow surgeon instructions. Keep blood sugar low. Use the bone stimulation machine. See endocrinologist and cardiologist.
- Loneliness: Start texting and calling friends more. Give them a chance to reply and help.
- Mental Health: Find a therapist. Get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.
- Spiritual Health: Talk to cell group leader/members. Start going to church services again. Meet with pastoral staff.
I think the best advice I have received recently is to have a regular schedule. My default for the past week has been to stay upstairs in my house and languish in bed or in front of a computer watching YouTube videos and Instagram reels. Terrible.
Life with chronic diseases 