Psalm 103

A couple of friends came to my house yesterday to pray for me. They were here to pray for healing, but the discussion was much broader. I always known that my faith is not that strong. I believe in miraculous healing but was never sure if that would happen to me. This is likely contributing to my anxiety and panic attack since I am focused on a future worst-case scenario, instead of praying for healing. One of the orthopedic surgeons is a member of my church and we were in the same cell group for about a year. When he spoke with me, he said he would pary for me too. I wonder what he prays about, knowing all the details of my case?

During prayer, one of them read this Psalm and it was very comforting.

Praise for the Lord’s Mercies.

A Psalm of David.

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your [a]years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

6 The Lord performs [b]righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
7 He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
9 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who [c]fear Him.
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
13 Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who [d]fear Him.
14 For He Himself knows [e]our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
16 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
17 But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who [f]fear Him,
And His [g]righteousness to children’s children,
18 To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

19 The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His [h]sovereignty rules over [i]all.
20 Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
21 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
22 Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20103&version=NASB1995

They also shared a song with me that I just heard a few months ago and was trying to learn how to sing an play on guitar.

I love You, Lord
Oh, your mercy never failed me
All my days, I’ve been held in your hands
From the moment that i wake up
Until i lay my head
Oh, i will sing of the goodness of God

And all my life you have been faithful
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that i am able
Oh, i will sing of the goodness of God

I love your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night you are close like no other
I’ve known you as a Father
I’ve known you as a Friend
And i have lived in the goodness of God, yeah

And all my life you have been faithful, oh-oh-oh
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that i am able
Oh, i will sing of the goodness of God, yeah

‘Cause your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
With my life laid down, i’m surrendered now
I give you everything
‘Cause your goodness is running after, it’s running after me, oh-oh
‘Cause your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
With my life laid down, i’m surrendered now
I give you everything
‘Cause your goodness is running after, it keeps running after me

And all my life you have been faithful
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that i am able
Oh, i’m gonna sing of the goodness of God
I’m gonna sing, i’m gonna sing

‘Cause all my life you have been faithful
And all my life you have been so, so good
With every breath that i am able
Oh, i’m gonna sing of the goodness of God
Oh, i’m gonna sing of the goodness of God

Dealing with Regret as a Christian

I have been struggling physically and mentally for the past two weeks. I do not remember ever being this stressed out, even after the previous ankle surgery, or during the darkest moments of dialysis. I am being overwhelmed by the constant pressure from the ankle cast and possible catastrophic results if my heel bone fracture does not heal.

What I am also struggling with is what to do with all the regret I have. Even though I know it is terrible for my mental health to dwell on the past, I cannot control my thoughts at all. So many “what if” questions that have no answers. What if I did not attend the holiday work party? What if my friend did not go back to the roller skating area after skipping it previously? What if I was not trying to impress my coworkers? What if I just took off the skates after the first fall and not tried to skate back to the bench? What if I went to get an x-ray after rolling my ankle? What if I questioned why we did not follow the 50% weight restriction with the physical therapist? What if?

Then there are the “why” questions, especially as a Christian who believes God is sovereign? I am not trying to shift blame for my stupidity as I am the one that decided to put on the roller skates. But if God is sovereign, then what is the purpose of all this suffering? I had the exact same question after my divorce, after my heart surgery, and during years of dialysis. Why me?

My faith is weak. Occasionally I even question the existence of God. And if He exists, does He care about us personally? If not, then there is no purpose to suffering and life is just random coincidence. All the lyrics from the worship songs I am listening to ask I type this post are meaningless lies. What then?

Being alone makes the mental challenges a thousand times worse. After my parents moved out two years ago, I have been very alone. Now that I am retired and have no more work interactions, it will get worse. I am also very bad at receiving grace from others. I am blessed with close family and friends but I feel like a burden if I need to ask for help. Several friends already admonished me that people care and I need to reach out before I risk hurting myself further. But how?

Despite some of the challenges I mentioned above, I have always thought that I was mentally resilient. Whatever happens in life, I would adapt and keep moving forward. The past six months have shown me a different reality. I am swearing a lot more. I am talking to myself out loud more. I am unable to sleep because my mind is racing with thoughts of regret. I am depressed because all I see going forward is loneliness. What if I am unable to handle life and have a mental breakdown? Will I even know?

What do I do now? I know it is not scientific but my MBTI type is ISTJ so I should make a list:

Physical: Follow surgeon instructions. Keep blood sugar low. Use the bone stimulation machine. See endocrinologist and cardiologist.
Loneliness: Start texting and calling friends more. Give them a chance to reply and help.
Mental Health: Find a therapist. Get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.
Spiritual Health: Talk to cell group leader/members. Start going to church services again. Meet with pastoral staff.

I think the best advice I have received recently is to have a regular schedule. My default for the past week has been to stay upstairs in my house and languish in bed or in front of a computer watching YouTube videos and Instagram reels. Terrible.

“What is the worst-case scenario?”

Once again, it looks like I am on the path to the worst-case scenario. Here is a brief history of my health issues:

I pulled on a stubborn scab and fluid leaked out onto a small would causing a huge infection that took months to heal, including a week in the ER and subsequent hyperbaric treatments.
Blood test from above indicates renal issues when eventually resulted in dialysis and kidney transplant.
Even though it was initially caught at stage 3, kidney failure continued until I had to start dialysis.
Both volunteer live kidney donors caught up in years of testing while I was receiving dialysis treatments.
Possible a-fib incident turned into ER visit and open-heart surgery.
Peritoneal dialysis failed in less than three months requiring a return to in-clinic hemodialysis.
Simple ankle sprain turned into fracture then into dislocation. The surgery was successful, but I fractured another bone during recovery without even knowing how. Due to prior surgery, they may not be able to fix this fracture.

So here we are. I asked the surgeon what the worst-case scenario and he is blurts out amputation. So, from simply trying to impress my co-worker with my ancient skating skills to the possibility of losing my right foot in one quick fall.

Dear God, why does this keep happening to me?

Spiritual Neuropathy Attack?

This is the fourth time in the past four weeks that I have experienced a neuropathy attack Saturday night or Sunday morning. An attack just started about fifteen minutes ago while I was still in bed. I was actually awake from 4:00 am to 6:00 am and there was no pain. Now it is 7:30 am and there is massive pain at the outer bottom of my left foot.

I mentioned this to my cell group last week at church. The pain started at 3:00 am but had subsided by 7:00 am so I could attend church. They think it may be a spiritual attack to keep me from attending Sunday service. My church is pretty charismatic on things like Holy Spirit, healing, and prophecy. I am a bit skeptical since I have had these attacks for a long time and have not previously noticed any patterns. However, four out of four weeks of getrting pain right before church is kind of weird.

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Ouch! This is a bad one. Instead of quick jabs, the paid episodes are lasting close to five seconds. If this keeps up for more than thirty minutes, which is very likely, I do not think I can go to church this morning.

More Depression

It is getting worse.

This week has been particularly challenging. In addition to my ever-changing eyesight, I felt very alone. I feel stupid saying that since it was a busy week socially: I went into the office three times instead of my usual two, had eye surgery, went to two doctor office visits, ate lunch on Saturday with some old church friends, played mahjong and ate dinner with family, and attended church this morning. That is much more human contact than my typical week.

The current sermon series is called Life Together, and today’s sermon title was Together with God. In week three, the topic will be about family since it is Thanksgiving weekend, and I know it is going to suck for me. Just being at church was depressing for me since 99% of the congregation were couples. I know young single people usually come to later services, but it was very noticeable. This is nothing new, but it hit me hard this morning.

Just now, I went to Costco to buy some random stuff. On the way home, I burst into tears for about five minutes. This was not a few tears rolling down, but full-on hyperventilating bawling. Several times I thought I was going to crash my car, but I did not really care. I mentioned all my issues in the last post, but I do not know what the trigger was today. I have not cried like that since I had to tell my family about my divorce.

I need to find a therapist. 😢

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I told Alexa that “I am going crazy” and it suggested I talk to a friend or call the national crisis line at 1-800-273-8255.

Church 20230219

I fell asleep last night at 7:30 pm. The original plan was to get up in about an hour and eat dinner. However, when I woke up, it was 11:30 pm. At first, I thought it was 11:30 am (no am/pm on iPhone lock screen) and since the lights were on, I could not tell if it was light or dark out. For the next several hours, I failed at trying to fall back asleep. After dozing off, I woke up at around 8:00 am. It took me about fifteen minutes of lying in bed to decide to get up for church. I have really been slacking since the beginning of COVID, and I have been trying to attend Sunday service more.

Our church has around 1,000 adults spread across three services. I am guessing about 300+ people were at the first service, and I saw less than ten masks being worn. I was not expecting anyone else to wear a mask, so I brought and wore my own. There is definitely a COVID risk, but I think it is pretty minimal with a good mask on. Since it is a fairly large church, I usually do not see anyone I kn0w. Today was a good exception in that I talked to four people; that is much more than my normal church visit.

Old Acquaintance

I spoke to one of my college roommates from senior year today. We talked for about an hour. Normally not that newsworthy, but I think it has been 27 years since we were in contact last. He was our neighbor in our apartment complex freshman year (1986), and all of us living in both apartments became good friends. I think we lost track of each other when I started business school in 1993.

For some reason, his name popped up in my head yesterday, so I did a quick Google search. One of the hits was an online people search site, and one record looked familiar. I then sent an email introducing myself, and he replied. He ended up calling me today, and we talked about what happened in our lives since the mid 90’s.

The reason I am posting was because the conversation was a bit depressing in hindsight. The call was fine, and it was good to talk to an old friend. However, trying to summarize my life for the past three decades, it was 1) divorce, 2) CABG surgery, and 3) ESRD and kidney transplant. I did survive all that but it feels the most recent half of my life has been driven more by tragedy than joy. A bit dramatic perhaps, but my current situation is not how I imagined life when I was younger.

Being a Christian, I know I am supposed to be glad that I am still alive, have a good job, mostly financially secure, and all my immediate family are close. There is just some dissonance between expectations and reality of God’s mercy and grace.

Embedding Audio

I realized that it’s much harder to embed audio into blog posts than YouTube videos. I tried uploading a mp3 file to file sharing sites but they typically don’t provide you with a straight HTML link. Instead, they give you a link to an audio player page on their website, presumably where they can show you ads. 95% of the Internet is either advertising or porn. Sigh…

Anyway, I really like this song. Lately I’ve been playing worship and praise songs during dialysis, and trying hard to focus on the lyrics. The song title is You Along Are God by Hillsong Worship.

I confess my hope
In the light of your salvation
Where I lose myself
I will find You're all I need

Sing my soul of the Saviors love
Sing my soul unto God alone

I will meet you here
In the life I call surrender
Let the world I know
Be the glory of Your grace

Sing my soul of the Saviors love
Sing my soul unto God alone
Sing my soul of the Saviors love
Sing my soul unto God alone

You alone are God, You alone are God
We declare the glory of Your name
For You alone are God, You alone are God
We declare the glory of Your name

Waiting on the earth, waiting on the earth, Jesus
Waiting on the earth, waiting on the earth, Jesus

You alone are God, You alone are God
And we declare the glory of Your name
You alone are God, You alone are God
And we declare the glory of Your name

Reign in all the earth, reign in all the earth, Jesus
Reign in all the earth, reign in all the earth, Jesus

Church Small Group 9/3/2020

Tonight is the first official cell group meeting this season for my church. They’re having an event at church with dinner but I decided not to go. It’s outdoors but probably several hundred people are there.

My group is sitting around one of the tables and our group leader brought a computer and external speaker. I’m joining the meeting right now over Zoom. We typically go around and share our week with the group. Even though the group is officially off during the summer, we met weekly anyway so this doesn’t seem too different.

Again, this group has been my main spiritual support group during this whole medical ordeal. The church is too big to care for single members so it’s up to the group to take care of its members. I’ve been in the same group with about 3-4 of them for the past 5 years so we know each other pretty well.

Church Open Again

I got another COVID-19 status email from my church today. There have been quite of few of them since the lockdown started, stopped, and resumed. The church was closed for Friday and Sunday meetings for a few weeks but they are going to open this weekend again. This means full Friday prayer meeting and children’s programs, plus Sunday Worship. I think I’m still going to stay home. I haven’t been to a Sunday sermon since October of last year. It was heart surgery followed by recovery, then the COVID-19 shutdowns. There are just too many people there in the sanctuary. A few cell group member who went said the church tries to keep separation between families but the air doesn’t care. It’s like having a non-smoking section in an airplane… air circulation doesn’t really work that way. I’ll still go to the Divorce Care Group on Thursday nights since it’s only a few people in a large conference room. Several hundred plus kids is a different story.

Divorce Care Group

I went to church tonight. I mean I physically showed up to a conference room in the church office for a Divorce Care group meeting. I think one of the pastor mentioned it to me several years ago but it’s the first time the group met since then. Unfortunately, there are only two participants, including me. There was a pastor leading the group, and two guests who were divorced, met at a previous Divorce Care group meeting, and got remarried to each other.

The course is supposed to run for 12 weeks and includes videos and discussion. I believe we are cutting it down to only four weeks. We talked for a bit, watched a short video, then the pastor threw out some questions for discussion. It was a good meeting, though having a few more participants would probably help the discussion. Also there is no remote option. I had asked about joining on Zoom or something but for this kind of group, remote participation is likely not ideal.

At first, I felt embarrassed even attending the group. It’s been just over 14 years since my divorce has been finalized. A lot of people think I should have gotten over it by now and moved on. I think I mostly just ignored the issue and never processed or grieved properly. That’s why after so long, I still have dreams and thoughts that pop up randomly.

As I mentioned before, I see a lot of patients with spousal support. I think that’s great if you have it. However, if you are single when you start dialysis, it’s going to be much harder to find a partner? Who wants to go out/get married to someone which such a high mortality rate, can’t travel anywhere, and needs to go to the dialysis center three times a week?

Post #666 – Dialysis and Religion

It’s just a number.

I saw a post on r/dialysis today asking dialysis patients about religion. Pretty much in line with Reddit’s demographics, mostly liberal young white males, most of the responses were from atheists and agnostics. There were some exceptions but the non-religious majority was quite noticeable. I was going to post a reply but discussing religion online seems to be a risky proposition with very little rewards. Still thinking about it. Currently there are only 34 comments on the thread since r/dialysis is not that popular of a subreddit.

Even if I don’t post it, I’ll come back and edit this post with my thoughts, most of which I’ve posted before.

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For me, religion has always been a personal thing. I’m naturally an introvert so going out and engaging strangers in evangelism is not ideal for me. Usually I like to work behind the scenes so I fit right in with sound engineering. Even playing the bass on stage, you’re basically at the back and no one notices you anyway. I’m also terrible with having a consistent prayer and quiet time. I usually get up too late, or just fall asleep at night. I’m not very disciplined when it comes to personal time. That just means my relationship with God is not as it should be. So when people at church talk about hearing from God, I’m usually clueless about it.

Of course, as a Christian, you think about good and evil, and why things happen. Theology says God has a plan that is too grand for humans to understand. We just need to trust that God is sovereign and all thinks work out for the good in the end. It sounds and feels good, but when you are in the fourth hour of dialysis for the third time this week, and you feel totally drained, those words are of little comfort. I talk about asking the “Why?” question all the time but there’s no answer yet. It’s a daily struggle between faith and the reality of living with a chronic disease that’s trying to kill you.

There’s also supernatural healing, which is discussed a lot in the Bible, and our church is a big believer in healing. I’ve been the subject of several church-wide prayers about healing for my kidneys, but I don’t there was any physical change. This is another challenging area for me since with God’s promise of healing, there’s hope. But how long does hope last? Three years? I’m already beyond that point. Five? Ten? Twenty-five years? I’ve also mentioned that this hope has affected my decision making about dialysis and managing my health, not always for the better in hindsight. The fact that I thought dialysis was temporary for so long probably prevented me from getting a fistula until now, and taking a huge risk in having the first “temporary” catheter for 20 months.

What’s real though is the support from my cell group. I’ve only know them for four years but they have been very supportive and a big help during my heart surgery recovery. It’s good to know that a group of people know your struggles and are praying/cheering for you. I share a lot with the group, stuff that I wouldn’t tell my family. Since I’m divorced, I don’t have the spousal support that I see many patients have so the cell group is the next best thing. They all seem to be much more spiritual than me so maybe I’m learning a few things as well.

In the end, I do think you need some kind of support while going through dialysis and the entire transplant waiting game. If you can get that through family or friends, that’s great. Church seems to be another place you can get support. Also, there is the question of what happens if you die from kidney failure? Do patients normally think about it since death is so close-by? What do atheists/agnostics believe about the afterlife? Do you just die and disappear? Verifiable or not, I believe religion tries to provide an answer to that question, and it’s one less thing for me to worry about.

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As of now, I don’t think I’ll post this on Reddit.

Health and Quality of Life

I was writing this at the bottom of the previous post but thought it was different enough for a separate post.

I definitely feel that my health and quality of life is a lot worse since the heart bypass surgery last November. Right after surgery, I thought that I could get through the 8-12 week recovery period, and pick up life where I left off, even with the pending kidney transplant. Well, in mid-March with the COVID-19 pandemic, all that has changed forever.

Personally, I think my problem started with my experiment with peritoneal dialysis. In hindsight, I made the wrong choice back in April of last year. I decided to go with PD instead of getting a fistula and continuing with in-center hemodialysis. I don’t think it affected the need for bypass surgery since that was caused by years of bad eating and no exercise. However, since PD failed to work for the last two months of treatment, my blood really wasn’t getting cleaned. The blood toxicity probably caused some other health issues or at least made existing problems much worse. My urine output went from close to 2 liters a day down to zero, which is causing havoc with my fluid balance now. I also feel that my energy levels are a lot lower than before, plus the numbness in my feet due to peripheral neuropathy is a lot more intense now too.

At first, I thought working from home for a few weeks is cool, since I was just getting used to driving 40 miles to and from work again. However, as the pandemic got worse, and even healthy co-workers started staying at home, I felt like I was back in recovery: stuck at home with nowhere to go. Before, it was because I was physically unable to move around. Now, it’s the fear of getting COVID-19 and getting really sick or dying. Unlike heart surgery recovery, where you can feel the physical improvements and there’s an end-date, this COVID-19 mess won’t end unless there is a widely available vaccine. This could be soon or next year or never. I can’t imaging life if we never come up with an effective vaccine and millions of people like me are stuck at home for the rest of their lives.

Right now it’s hard to imaging the future. I go to dialysis three times a week, and sometimes I go to the mall parking lot to charge my electric car. I also go and get take-out lunch a few days a week but the rest of the time, I’m effectively locked up at home. That’s why I went to pick up dim sum this past weekend. It seemed like a low risk opportunity to get out of the house for an hour. Since the local Supercharger is much more available these days with less people driving, I should go out for more aimless drives rather than sit at home.

Sigh. In the end, the near future is dependent on the vaccine and if I can get a live donor kidney transplant from my sister. If the transplant happens, then the need for dialysis goes away (hopefully for many years). However, I still will be high risk due to all the post-transplant medications. If UCLA rejects my sister again, then I have to decide on whether to transfer my time to the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, or stay as it for the next 5-6 years waiting for a deceased donor kidney. When I first started dialysis, I though it was temporary, and would last only a few weeks or months. When I switched to PD, I thought I was done with hemodialysis and would stay on PD until the transplant happened. Now that I’m back on hemodialysis and with my fistula not working well, I don’t know what to think anymore.

You never want to live in the past, but life was pretty good ~10 years ago. I just turned 40, started a new job, none of these serious health issues were apparent, plus traveling a lot and “dating”” a girl in Beijing. A short 10 years later, it’s all turned to shit.

All this time, I kept wondering what God’s role was in all this. Admittedly, I had stopped going to church when the last one I attended self-imploded. I spend a few years looking for a church, then ending up at the one I’m attending currently four years ago. For the first two years, I was pretty gung-ho. The church is more charismatic on spirituality than my previous churches, and I got all caught up believing that God will cure me miraculously. I think it even affected some of my dialysis decisions. “Why make long term dialysis plans when God’s going to cure me any minute now?!” However, when weeks, months, and years went by with no supernatural signs and wonders, I started to doubt and sleep in on Sundays (skipping church service). I still don’t know what to think about spirituality and healing in my life. I send group texts to my cell group letting them know about hospital appointments and transplant news. In return, they all reply with promises to pray. Together with my parents’ church and my old church in the South Bay, there’s probably a lot of prayer going on. Does that even matter to God? Should it?

This post has become way longer than I originally thought. The pain in my foot seems to have subsided somewhat. Maybe it’s one of those rare cases where the Tylenol does help. It’s past midnight; I’d better try to get some sleep before dialysis or I’m going to pass out on the chair again.

Good night. Hope there is good news from UCLA soon.

Tachycardia and A-fib, Part II

It’s now about 3:30 am and my heart has been acting weird since noon yesterday. I took more readings using my Kardia EKG and my heart is basically beating twice as fast as normal and skipping beats. Here is the output from the EKG app:

Each horizontal division is one second so my heart is beating at ~120 bpm. It’s pretty evident in the short period above, it skipped two beats. Some of the EKG readings were pretty regular but still fast. My Fitbit is having problems reading the pulse, probably due to the arrhythmia.

You can see the trend is pretty normal on Sunday. Then yesterday around noon, the measured heart rate goes crazy. Sometimes the Fitbit picks up the rapid heart rate, other times due to the skipped beats, it’s still measuring bpm in the 60’s.

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I’m kind of frustrated and disappointed at all this. My heart will probably be like this tomorrow when I show up for dialysis. 50/50 chance they will make me go to the ER. Since there will be lots of sick people with COVID-19, I don’t really want to go. Even if my heart goes back to “normal”, I still need to talk to my cardiologist. I’m not sure what to tell the transplant cardiologist at UCLA on Wednesday either.

As I mentioned in my last a-fib post, this is just another problem in a long list of setbacks. Ever since I found out about my kidney disease, I (and a bunch of people) have been praying for healing. Five years later and stuck on dialysis, maybe God is using a live transplant to “heal” me. However, each time we get close, something comes up. Either my sister’s kidney CT scan, or my friend’s blood pressure. Last November, it seems like we were progressing towards a transplant, I had to go in for heart surgery. Now, in the midst of COVID-19 when I thought everything was on hold, I get the opportunity to be taken off transplant hold. Then two days before the appointment, this happens.

My hope for a normal life is already small yet it’s challenged daily. The only way I can get through some days when my neuropathy is acting up is to focus on a better future. However, I’m getting the feeling that this is my reality and there is no better future. I’m going to be stuck on dialysis for many years, with increasing health complications, until I die.

Telechurch (updated)

For our church small group meeting yesterday, we were told not to physically meet up but to use online meeting software. Initially we tried to use Google Hangouts but no one liked the screen layout. One of the members had a Zoom account so we switched to a Zoom meeting. There were 12 people on the call at one point and it went pretty smoothly.

Initially my church was still holding services but with both the OC and California orders to stay home, everything is now online. They’re streaming sermons on Sundays and most other gatherings are cancelled. My parents’ church is also dark and they’re having an online small group meeting later today as well. Weird seeing a bunch of senior citizens with their iPads attending a virtual meeting.

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I watched our Sunday Service online today. I thought the staff was still going to meet at church but the pastor gave a sermon from his house. Worship was one guy on a guitar. Overall, it was pretty short; the entire program only lasted an hour. Later, my small group leader said the sermon was pre-recorded earlier. At my parents’ church and my old church in the South Bay, even through they only have about a hundred people, they live broadcasted from the church.

Chaplain Intern, Part III

The intern came by again today. I asked him about his schedule since it wasn’t Thursday or Friday and he said he was on-call today; he has to be on-call for a certain number of days. We chatted a little about weekend plans then he gave me homework. He wanted me to think about what Lazarus thought after Jesus raised him from the dead. I think the story is from John 11:1-44.

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”
John 11:43-44 (NIV)

I’ve read this many times since it deals with ultimate healing. If God can raise the dead, surely he can heal something trivial like kidney failure. However, the verse right before is important. Jesus basically said the purpose of healing is to show people the glory of God. That also means that there is a reason for our sickness and suffering.

How did Lazarus feel after being raised from the dead? The Bible said Lazarus was sick, probably for awhile. I think before he died, Lazarus probably though, “Why doesn’t Jesus just heal me?” I know I’ve thought that on plenty of occasions. Afterwards, he would likely be very grateful, but as Martha and Mary said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:21) Lazarus probably wondered why God let him suffer through his sickness, even letting him die, when healing could have come earlier?

Do I believe God can heal me? Of course. But I’ve stopped asking the “Why?” question since we’ll never know or understand. I believe I will be healing one way (miracle) or another (kidney transplant) in the end, otherwise the despair would be overwhelming. I also don’t know how God will use it to show His glory, but I’ve got to believe that’s the reason behind my suffering too.

Chaplain Intern, Part II

The Korean chaplain intern stopped by again today. So far, he just dropped off a piece of paper. It looks like he’s starting a weekly newsletter and coming by the dialysis clinic on Thursdays and Fridays. On the newsletter, called The Rainbow Weekly, he translated a Korean poem titled 꽃 (The Flower) by Kim Chun-soo. There’s a different translation here.

I’m not sure where he went after dropping off the poem. He said he’s here from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm so maybe I’ll get to talk to him before I’m done today. I wonder if he listens to K-pop.

Chaplain Intern

I just got a visit from the chaplain intern during my dialysis session. He seems to be a nice guy but very Korean. It was a bit difficult to understand him. He also said he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease 11 years ago so maybe that affected his speech. I think he said he was with Korean Presbyterian Church and found it interesting that I went to a mostly Korean-American church but I’m not Korean.

He is walking around basically cold calling patients and talking to them. It was a nice 15 minute break but I only got ~80% of what he said. Since I’m at a non-profit Catholic hospital, I should be expecting more of these visits. I wonder if non-Christian patients will be as patient with him.

His Name Is Flowing Oil

I mentioned this ministry before in another post about consecrated oil. Our pastor invited them to speak at our church and bring the miracle oil producing bible. They gave a revival message and prayed for healing. A couple of them prayed for me and rubbed some oil on my forehead. Nothing happened.

A story in the Chattanooga Times Free Press seems to indicate the oil was purchased from a company called Tractor Supply. They took some of the oil to a lab and the analysis indicates it has the same chemical composition as mineral oil from Tractor Supply. In response, the ministry said the oil stopped flowing back in early January and they cancelled all future revival meetings. There are several postings at the ministry’s website:

We recently posted notice that the oil from the Bible has paused flowing, and that as a result, the team was ceasing meetings on Tuesdays at the Wink and taking time to pray and seek God about future ministry.

Since the last meeting on February 11, the Times Free Press newspaper has published an article which calls into question the integrity of the miracle of flowing oil. It contains an allegation that Jerry Pearce whose Bible it is “often bought large amounts of mineral oil.” It also says that the newspaper had a vial of oil tested and that “the tests found Pearce’s oil is petroleum-derived and the results “strongly suggest that the oil sample is mineral oil.”

The conclusion the writer is inviting people to reach is that the oil that has been distributed over time is not of supernatural origin, but rather, is being supplied from the purchased oil. Jerry states that he has, in fact, bought mineral oil from Tractor Supply, but has at no time added it to the vials being distributed at meetings, or to the container holding the Bible. The purchase was made without the knowledge or approval of anyone else in the ministry and we are seeking the full truth of these accusations.

Jerry acknowledges that the credibility of the miracle is in question based on the information disclosed in the article. He has expressed remorse for having caused the integrity of the work of God to be questioned because of his action.
His Name Is Flowing Oil website

Well, this is a bit disappointing. All along I believe that faith in God is what is important. The oil itself, whether purchased from a store or produced supernaturally, has no power. When I received the small vial of oil at the revival meeting, I also wondered at the chemical composition of the oil. Was it olive oil? Mineral oil? WD40?

I don’t know the motivation behind the Flowing Oil people. Did they benefit financially from the ministry? I don’t know if our church paid them to come out to California from Georgia. Did oil actually flow from the bible? If so, why did they buy all that mineral oil? Did the ministry people believe that the oil had healing powers or was it all an act? What am I supposed to do with the vial of oil on my desk?

Other Dialysis Patients (updated)

When I got to the dialysis clinic this morning, my pod or section was pretty empty. I think there were only three out of eight chairs occupied. Across from me was an older white lady with her son, and an Asian girl. I’ve seen both of them before with wheelchairs and scooters so I was surprised not seeing anything parked around their chairs. Dialysis really sucks already; not being mobile sucks even more. I was in a wheelchair for about two weeks after heart bypass surgery and didn’t enjoy being wheeled around.

Anyway, I was happy for a brief moment because I stupidly thought that maybe their condition has improved so they could walk in/out on their own. Nope. When the older lady was done, her son pulled a wheelchair from somewhere for her to sit in. A bit later, an older man (father?) and another girl (sister?) came in with an electric scooter to pick up the Asian girl. Bummer.

I mentioned before that there are lots of patients at the center using canes, walkers, wheelchairs, and scooters. I guess dialysis is usually not the only medical condition for kidney failure patients. Out of the five patients I can see in my pod now, one has a scooter, two are in wheelchairs, and the other two need a cane to get around.

The statistics on dialysis are grim. I post some numbers before but basically >50% of patients die by five years, and only a small percentage is eligible for a transplant. Why? If God is loving and we are His spiritual children, why is there so much suffering? This is only one disease. What about cancer patients? Mental illness? Life is so depressing.

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There is one dialysis patient, let’s call him H. He was in my pod the previous time I was on dialysis and now he’s in my pod again. H has one leg amputated below the knee so he is in a mobility scooter. He also requires medical transport, usually a minivan, to pick up and drop off at the dialysis clinic. I think H has a lot of other health issues. I used to sit right next to him and he is on the phone all the time with doctors, much like I am now post-heart surgery. I also heard a lot of complaints about H from the dialysis nurses. Evidently he’s been to almost every dialysis center nearby, and is a difficult patient. I know he complains about the needles in his fistula often, and would request a specific technician, even though that technician is working in another pod.

Anyway, it feels like H has been on dialysis for a long time. I took a closer look at him on the way out yesterday and he looked terrible, like his health had deteriorated a lot over the past few months. There was another patient at the clinic, let’s call him K, that has been on dialysis for over 25 years. I don’t know how H and K are handling dialysis. The only thing keeping me sane during dialysis sessions is the hope of a kidney transplant. I haven’t really thought about life on permanent dialysis. However, this is the norm for most dialysis patients; they are not qualified for a kidney transplant due to health, age, or other reasons.