Maybe it’s because I’m sick and stuck at home all day, a lot of songs seem to trigger me to tears lately. During Divorce Care Group, I mentioned that even after 13 years of divorce, sometimes a song, picture, or even smell remind me of something and often lead to tears. Dreams are especially bad since I have no control, and some of them are so vivid that I’m confused when I wake up, even looking for my ex-wife in bed next to me.

This is one of the songs that has been driving me crazy lately. I’m sure the lyrics are describing some idealized notion of love and marriage but it’s still a great song.

Come What May
Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I’ve never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you, until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there’s no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you
I love you
Until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you, until my dying day
I will love you (Come what may)
Oh Yes I will love you (Come what may)
I will love you, until my dying day.

==========

Something else I can’t watch without crying is the final scene from My Sassy Girl, a Korean film from 2001. Especially when she realized who he is and the single tear rolls down her face. It probably doesn’t mean anything standalone; you have to watch the entire movie first.

==========

Another song that comes to mind in this “category” is Just Like Heaven by The Cure. At one point, I thought understood the lyrics but now, I’m not so sure. Here is a live performance in 2019; the song came out in 1987 (33 years ago!).

Hmm, Robert Smith (lead singer with the eye shadow) looks like he gained some weight. Also, bass player is using a pick! I didn’t know that was legit otherwise I would have used one too when I played bass.

Just Like Heaven
The Cure
Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
Threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it and I’ll promise you
I’ll promise that I’ll run away with you, I’ll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
Kissed her face and kissed her head
Dreamed of all the different ways, I had to make her glow
Why are you so far away she said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you?
That I’m in love with you?
You, soft and only, you lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
You’re just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me
You soft and only
You lost and lonely
You just like heaven

==========

Sorry, one more song: A Whole New World from Disney’s Aladin. Marriage was actually kinda like this for me. I thought everything was going great and one big adventure until the carpet was figuratively pulled out from underneath me. Maybe I’m still in freefall…

A Whole New World
Lea Salonga, Brad Kane
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, “no” or where to go
Or say we’re only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear
That now I’m in a whole new world with you
(Now I’m in a whole new world with you)
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A whole new world (don’t you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see (hold your breath, it gets better)
I’m like a shooting star, I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be
A whole new world (every turn a surprise)
With new horizons to pursue (every moment, red-letter)
I’ll chase them anywhere
There’s time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world (a whole new world)
That’s where we’ll be (that’s where we’ll be)
A thrilling chase (a wondrous place)
For you and me

I went to the second out of four meetings for Divorce Care at church. This time, there was one more “guest” so we had six people. He took the came course two years ago except they went through 10 weeks instead of four this time. I believe he’s been divorced for about three years and he is about to get engaged again. The other two guests who also showed up last week met each other at a previous Divorce Care group.

The topic this time was on loneliness and the difference between being alone and lonely. I think I’m okay being alone since I’m more of in introvert. I don’t have to be out partying every weekend; actually I’m a bit uncomfortable at large social gatherings. I remember going with some friends to check out some student organizations at UCLA, probably ACA (Association of Chinese Americans) or CSA (Chinese Student Association). I found a bunch of pretentious people trying to impress each other and not a lot of fun. However, loneliness is different. Part of it is getting used to the missing person that was always there while you were married. I was married for seven years and during that time, we were apart only when I was on short-term mission trips, and when we separated of course.

I think it was good hearing other people share their experiences, though I keep thinking I should have adjusted better after 13 years of divorce. Still, how do you ever get over your first love? Just because they’re not part of your life anymore doesn’t mean it’s easy to forget about them.

I got my new California driver’s license in the mail today. I already shared my story of my visit to the DMV. It turned out that the license did arrive before my birthday so in hindsight, I didn’t need the temporary license.

If you look at yourself daily in the mirror, you don’t notice gradual changes in your appearance. Then one day, you look closely at your reflection and wonder when everything changed. The photo on my current driver’s license was taken about five years ago. You can see that I’ve lost a lot of weight by looking at the two photos side by side. My face was pretty much round in the old photo; now, not so much. I guess that happens when you lose 50 pounds. It was also before my kidneys failed and dialysis so it was a better time even though I was fatter.

Let’s hope I have the opportunity to use the Real ID part of my driver’s license for boarding aircrafts.

Despite my complaints about mobile games and microtransactions, I’ve been playing Age of Z Origins a lot in the past few days, but yet to spend any real cash on it yet. I think my interest will be short lived since I saw another flaw with the game today. I mentioned before that to continue level up, you need lots of resources. You can gather them but you can also buy just about everything in game. As the level requirements grows exponentially, it’s a contact between patience and your wallet. Also, the game has been around for two years. There’s really no skill involved. You either level up over time, or spend money to shortcut the process.

Today, a really powerful player (or a big spender), teleported his city in my neighborhood and started scouting various cities. Since the outcome of battles are determined by the power rating of your units, there’s really no contest. If you have teammates (called alliances) are near by, they can send reinforcements to help you. I’ve never seen this in action. The teleporting invader also skipped my city since I think my defense rating is about the same as his offensive rating. It reminded me of the opening scene from Mortal Engines where the rogue city of London was cruising around eating other mobile towns.

Again, if you’re on the receiving end of this, there is no relief. You will always lose if the attacker has more troops than you. There is no skill you can develop to counter these attacks. This attacker also did not stop at one attack; he/she typically hammered a lower level city four or five times, basically killing everyone in the city and forcing the other player to grind for days to rebuild their troops… or spend money. Since the only equalizer is time or money, if you don’t want to wait, then you got to spend real dollars. The first few days were kinda fun since the game economy has a lot of interdependencies but as you level up, it feels like you’re walking in a bad neighborhood, waiting to get mugged.

I think this pandemic has bee favorable for the gaming industry. All these people sitting at home need something to do. There is only so much video streaming you can binge watch. The Nintendo Switch was out-of-stock when it first came out but soon became available everywhere. I got one last year for $300. Right now, it’s out-of-stock again and slimy resellers are trying to get $600 on Amazon. Much like the price gouging on surgical masks and hand sanitizers back in March.

==========

Just found out that Camel Games, the publisher of Age of Z Origins is based in Beijing. I could tell they were not a US based company from the in-game dialog. The English is not bad but awkward in places, plus they sometimes use the wrong article, like “a” instead of “the”. Not that I have any secret information but with the controversy over TikTok and WeChat, I wonder what information the app is pulling off my iPhone/iPad and sending to the Chinese government?

I also read on an online review that they charge differently by region, which means US and Europe’s prices for in-game packs cost more than in Asia. I was wondering why a lot fo the super high ranked players appear to be from Vietnam if they had to pay-to-play. The game is not cheap if you want to go that route.

I have an old iPhone SE based on the iPhone 6. It’s probably 3-4 years old at this point and I have stopped using it when my sister gave me her old iPhone 6S. The battery was already failing when I stopped using it. Recently, I stuck an extra SIM card from my family account to run a few apps in the car. The battery seems to be worse so I spent $20 on Amazon to purchase a replacement battery. The included instructions referred me to this iFixit video:

Holy crap. You have to detach the screen and pull-out a ton of sticky tape? I’ve changed the battery in several iPhones and my Mac Air. They were super easy compared to this mess. Why does Apple do this? To prevent people from fixing their own phones? My old Samsung S5 had a cover that popped off the back and I could change the battery in 5 seconds. It seems like Apple is making it as hard as possible for end users to do their own maintenance or make repairs.

I don’t feel the urge to fix the phone now. It seems like there are lots of opportunities to mess up and damage the phone. Maybe I should leave it as is and trade it into Apple for a whopping $30 on a new iPhone 11.

Since we’re spending so much time at home in front of our computers, I bought a new keyboard for my Mac Air. I hate the thin membrane type keyboards. There is no key travel nor touch so I make a lot of touch-typing errors. I learned typing a long time ago during a summer school course at Glenforest Secondary School. These were the days before computers so we were using IBM Selectric typewriters with the ball shaped typing element.

One of the first computers I used for work was an IBM XT clone with an old style IBM keyboard that also had very tall mechanical keys. I spent another summer typing in ocean freight data for my uncle’s company near LAX.

With my experience, I’ve always had an affinity for mechanical keyboards. I find that I can type faster and more accurately on them compared to all the new slim keyboards, especially when you get above 80 words per minute. A few years ago, I bought a Corsair STRAFE gaming keyboard that had Cherry MX red key switches. It was huge and loud, much like the old Selectric typewriters. I brought it to work but ended up taking it home since everyone nearby could hear me type.

Finally, back to my Mac Air. I used to have a first generation Apple Bluetooth keyboard but the connection was super buggy and it ate through four AA batteries very quickly. I then bought a slim keyboard from Amazon but it sucked for typing. I finally went out to look for a third party OS X Bluetooth keyboard and found a Keychron K4. It uses Gatron red key switches, which are a Chinese copy of the Cherry switches. It feels a bit looser than my Corsair but much better than the Apple keyboard or the crappy slim one from Amazon Basics. My only complaint? In order to include a keypad and still make it as small as possible, they made the zero key on the keypad smaller, and put the right arrow key where part of the key should be. The result is that each time I need to type a “0”, I end up moving the cursor. This is okay in Word but terrible in Excel or other spreadsheets. I think in order to make the keyboard both Mac and Windows compatible, they had to add several function, command, control, and other modifier keys, which cuts down on available real estate.

In the photo above, the third right key on the bottom row should be twice the size and span across the “->” and “0” keys. The keyboard connects very easy using Bluetooth and has a built-in rechargeable battery that lasts up to seven days. Other than the zero key, it’s a well thought-out and constructed keyboard.

I guess that’s on hold too now.

About four years ago, I purchased a Tesla Model S for way too much money. My justification was that I needed a car with a HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle = carpool) sticker. In California, if you drive a pure or hybrid electric car, you get a sticker that allows you to drive in the carpool lane. At the time, there was a wait list for stickers for hybrid electrics and since my commute was ~90 miles daily, I needed a car that can take me to work and back even if I can’t charge it during the day. There was not limit on stickers for pure electric cars. At the time, we didn’t have enough level 2 chargers at work so the only safe bet that I could get home after work was a Tesla. I bought the cheapest model available at the time: Model S with a software limited 60 kWh battery and no options other than white paint and Enhanced Autopilot. For that, it was ~$72k before tax and registration. Later on, I paid $2,000 to unlock the battery to ~72.5 kWh for a bit more range.

For the HOV lane sticker, California DMV only issues them for two years at at time. The original set I got were white colored and was good until December 2018. Luckily I didn’t get mine until January of 2017 so I was able to get the next set for two years. These are the red ones that expire at the end of this year. DMV also issued purple stickers for first time applicants that lasts until the end of 2021. I believe if I wanted to keep driving solo in the HOV lane, I would need to get another car by January 1, 2021.

I did receive a call from Tesla Sales a few months ago. They offered me an overnight test drive of any model. Tesla wanted me to get a new Model S but I wanted a SUV this time so I asked for a Model X, since the Model Y was not out yet. Anyway, due to my heart issues, I never went and got the car from Tesla. Since the Model Y is out now, I wanted to compare them side by side since the Model X is so expensive. I already overpaid for one Tesla!

Now with COVID-19, and me working from home all the time, there isn’t an urgent need for me to get a new HOV sticker if I’m not going to commute anytime soon. Even when things return to “normal” and I have to drive to work again, it feels like working from home may become a more accepted and permanent part of the work environment. Maybe COVID-19 changed the traffic norms in Los Angeles going forward. I was only saving about 10 minutes each way anyway; it was more psychological than physical. Maybe I won’t need the sticker anymore and can drive my current Tesla for another 10 years.

So I got my free Box Combo from Raising Cane’s. They did load the free meal on to my club card within two days. In the meantime, I’m getting a lot of emails for “free” concerts on their Facebook page. Tonight, I got another email:

Surprise is right. Since the only food I order there are combos, which comes with a drink, I’m not sure when I’m going to need a second drink with my meal. Especially when I shouldn’t be drinking even one in the first place. I guess I can try to order single chicken fingers and see if that will work then add the free drink.

<rant>

I’m pretty old. Old enough to remember a world before home computers and gaming consoles. My first computer was a Commodore VIC-20. It was a sad little computer that hooked up to your (analog) TV set. I did some programming on it using BASIC, but mainly to play games. I had some game cartridges and the rest were stored on cassette tape. I then moved up to a used Apple ][+, which I used in college, and then a Mac Plus. That computer was crazy expensive at the time for what you got and again, I mainly bought it to play Dark Castle (OMG, there is an emulated version online). Anyway, I’ve changed computers a lot over time, and also bought a few gaming consoles. Currently, I have:

• Alienware R7 gaming computer
• HP 9480M laptop (work computer)
• Apple Mac Air (Mid 2012)
• Chromebox (attached to TV)
• Raspberry Pi 4
• iMac (old hand-me-down from my sister for treadmill)
• Sony Playstation 3
• Sony Playstation 2 (with DDR dance pads!)
• Nintendo Switch
• Nintendo Wii

These are just the items that are hooked up and turned-on once in awhile. My parents each have a pretty current PC plus a bunch of obsolete stuff in boxes.

Anyway, I played a lot of games. Not really good at anything specific but I probably have 50+ games for the consoles and countless games for the PC. What I didn’t take into account is mobile devices. Like computers, we have a bunch of smartphones and tablets at home, mostly Apple iPhones and iPads. Since everyone is stuck at home due to COVID-19, we’re spending a lot of time on mobile games too.

I’ve noticed something different about mobile games. A lot of them are FTP (free-to-play), but then nickel-and-dime you to death. I know A games for PC and consoles are ~$60 but typically you buy it and you’re done, except for some DLC later. One type of mobile games seem to be designed to hook you in, then irritate you enough that you pay a dollar (or more) here-and-there to continue to make progress in the game, often spending hundreds of dollars. Kind of like drug dealers giving out “free samples” of crack and heroin. The other type embeds a million 30 second ads between different levels so you spend more time watching ads for apps you already have than playing the game.

Recently, I’m been playing two mobile games. One that falls into the first type is Age of Z Origins. The games starts out fine and lets you do a lot of things. Of course there is a wait timer on everything little task but you get to speed them up for “free”. As you move up the levels, the wait times become exponentially longer. Right now, one of the upgrades take 24 hours. You basically have to sit there and wait that long for the game to progress, unless you spend $$$ to purchase speed-ups. I guess pretty soon the game becomes unplayable unless you spend real money. The other is Plants vs. Zombies 2. It was published by a small company called Pop Caps but now taken over by Electronic Arts, famous for putting in microtransactions even in $60 games. There was a fiasco awhile back regarding Star Wars Battlefront II that actually affected EA revenues and stock price. Someone from EA was making excuses about asking for more money after charging $60 for the game. That comment has 668k downvotes, which is supposed to be a Guinness World Record or something.

It does seem like we’re stuck with the crack cocaine of the gaming world with mobile games. If you look in the iOS app store under games, almost all of them are “free” but with “in-game purchases”. If it is a permanent addition to gameplay or functionality, that’s fine. But for “spendable” items like gems, gold bars, etc., it’s just like getting more drugs for your habit until you quit cold-turkey or go broke. Sad.

</rant>

After my endocrinologist appointment this afternoon, I decided to check out the Santa Ana DMV since I have already filed all the Real ID paperwork online. I got out of the doctor’s office at around 3:30 pm; the DMV office closed at 5:00 pm. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was a huge line plus a lot of people just standing around. The parking lot was surprisingly empty so I parked and walked up to the front door. The long line was for people without appointments, but there was an empty line for appointments only. I know they’re not handing out appointments anymore but my “receipt” for uploading all my Read ID documentation counted as an appointment. I showed the person at the door my receipt and she sent me to a window directly. That person entered my info into the computer, and I was called to a second window while I was still at the first window. I got sent to Window #1 which was way on the other side of the floor where a clerk verified all my documents and took my payment of $37 + credit card fees (CA government is super cheap). I had just switched glasses so my vision was a bit blurry. There was a vision chart hanging inside the office; I was worried that they were going to ask me to read a line. Until my eyes adjusted to the different glasses, I couldn’t read anything on the signboard. She didn’t ask me to read anything. After paying, I was told to go the camera window to take a new photo, then go to Window #25 for a temporary license since mine expires in less than two weeks. All together, I was in five different lines but the entire process took about 45 minutes, which is the shortest time ever spent during a single visit to a DMV office.

In two weeks, I should have my Read ID driver’s license. Could be useful for domestic air travel if I do that ever again.

I was worried about going in person to the DMV since Santa Ana is such a shit-show for COVID-19 cases. However, with only two weeks until my license expires, I had to go sooner or later. Everyone, including all the visitors, at the DMV was wearing a mask without exception. They also had a bunch of workers with disinfectant bottles spraying and wiping down every surface. They all seemed to be Asian though… weird. I stayed away from everyone; it wasn’t that crowded inside the DMV office.

I went out about 5 pm today to meet up with an old friend at a local Corner Bakery. He was there with his wife and some other people, but they all left when I arrived so it was just the two of us. We sat outside and talked for an hour. Even though there wasn’t six feet separation, it was pretty windy so I thought the three feet distance was sufficient. We both had surgical masks but took them off so it was easier to talk.

I met this friend during undergraduate orientation about 35 years ago. We also ended up in grad school together right afterwards. He then became a missionary and spent the next ~30 years in China and Thailand. I think they’re moving back to America for good. His eldest child got married and moved to this area so he was here to help them get settled.

It’s interesting to meet someone you’ve known for so long but haven’t seen in several years. Of course he wanted a health update, which took forever. Maybe I should have directed him to this blog instead.

stir-cra·zy /ˈstər ˌkrāzē/adjective
psychologically disturbed, especially as a result of being confined or imprisoned. “she’d be in danger of going stir-crazy if she had to look at the same four walls any longer”

It’s been about four months since the beginning of the COVID-19 lock-down. Add the three months of medical leave I had post-heart surgery, I’ve been stuck at home for about seven of the last eight months. I was already looking for dialysis-friendly travel options but now things are even worse since mass transportation seems to be out of the question for now. My sister and family are taking off today for a week trip to Bryce Canyon and Zion National Parks. I’m a bit envious but even with no pandemic, I couldn’t go that long without access to a dialysis clinic.

So what are my options now, if any? I guess the only option are short road trips to secluded areas to minimize social distancing risks. Since I drive an older Tesla Model S with only 240 miles of range, it takes even more planning to make sure a charger is always readily available. Like all the fantasy trips I was planning before, I’m limited to departing Saturday afternoon and returning by Monday night since that’s the longest gap between dialysis sessions. However, with the spike in cases in California, it’s probably still too risky to travel anywhere, especially if I take my elderly parents along too.

Unfortunately, we’re probably going to be stuck at home for the rest of 2020.

==========

Update: 7/19/2020

After looking at a few maps, I think the only areas within two days driving round-trip is Santa Barbara, Las Vegas, or San Diego. San Francisco and Monterey/Carmel is cool but a bit too far to drive. If I leave right after dialysis Saturday, I could get to the Bay Area by 10:00 pm. That would leave only Sunday to do stuff since I would have to leave from home by noon Monday.

For the closer destinations, I could get there by dinner time Saturday, then have one night, all day Sunday, and probably most of the day Monday before returning home. Cambria looks like a nice place to visit. I can also stop by Santa Barbara, Solvang, Santa Maria, and Pismo Beach on the say there. The problem is finding something to see or do that’s not crowded with other visitors looking to escape “confinement” as well.

At this point, it feels like I’m padding my post count but this is post #600. I started writing this blog on June 23rd, 2019, so it’s been a bit over one year.

Since I didn’t really share the link to this blog, there’s probably only two or three readers. Seems like a lot of work to post ~twice a day (on average) but it’s therapeutic to vent semi-anonymously on the Internet.