Hypoglycemia – a condition caused by a very low level of blood sugar (glucose), your body’s main main energy source.

I’ve had episodes of slightly low blood sugar in the past. My reading would drop into the 70s and I will start feeling dizzy and sweaty. I keep a supply of glucose pills and juice boxes on hand for such an occasion. Last night, my blood sugar evidently dropped to the 30s for some reason and I became delirious. My parents found me unresponsive then speaking nonsense. They called 911 at around 7:30am this morning so after only 2 days/nights out of the hospital, I was back in the ER again. I was later told that I was lucky my parents got me to the ER quickly; sigh… I’m tired of almost dying all the time.

The whole event was surreal. I remember my parents calling 911 over my objections, and the ride in the ambulance with the paramedics. It all seemed like watching a movie and I was wondering the whole time if this was real. They made me drink some kind of glucose shot in the ambulance and I remember puking along the way. We ended up at St. Joseph hospital ER again. They were a bit rough getting me there so I’ve been super sore all day because of the huge scar/wound in my chest. I tried to eat and puked some more so the nurse pushed a huge syringe of dextrose through an IV line… ouch! My blood sugar rose from the 30s to the 60s, then to 150 and 200, and stabilized at 155. I ended up eating some Jell-O, applesauce , and half a dry, turkey sandwich before they would let me go home. Hey, anytime you go to the ER without being admitted to the main hospital is a win in my book.

So now, we are checking my blood sugar every 3 hours in case I freak out again. So far it’s been between 100 and 200 so fingers crossed. This recovery is becoming harder and harder each day.

If it seems like I’m complaining all the time, I’m actually glad to be alive. Kidney failure used to be a death sentence until dialysis became widely available. And I could have had a massive heart attack or stroke instead of the successful bypass surgery.

Having said that, everything else sucks ass about dialysis and surgery recovery.

First day out of the hospital was rough. My tooth and tongue were still hurting so I made an appointment with an old cell brother. He put an emergency filling in for me. The trip there was weird though; I’m still dizzy when I stand so it was fun getting to his clinic. I also had my first dialysis session at Sister Elizabeth building in St. Joseph hospital last night.

I was thinking that heart recovery surgery was hard already and then add kidney failure to the mix. Then I had my foot pain neuropathy flare up. Every 30 second I would feel like someone stabbing my foot with a knife. This also triggerey chest pains until it was almost unbearable. I finally got some painkillers though and had a good night’s rest.

Finally home after 10 days in the hospital. My insurance covered everything so far; I can’t imagine what this would cost if I had to pay out if pocket: $100k, $250k, $500k or more? Same question but more utilitarian, “How much do we spend to save a life? What if that life is already > 1/2 over? What if it was a child with many years to live?” I don’t known the answers, just glad to be alive.

So the pain has gotten worse, if that is possible. The discharge team called in a huge list of prescription but they forgot the painkillers. Ugh. I won’t get then until tomorrow morning so a rough night ahead.

Holy crap! Health providers have a pain scale where they try to determine how much pain you are experiencing. The scale goes from 0 to 10 where 0 is no pain, and 10 is the worst you ever felt. I’ve never been pregnant so I’m going to call my chest pains a 9.

Right now I have an itchy throat, making me cough every 15 seconds. However, each cough seems to be moving my sternum, causing unending pain. When I try to hold back, I either eek out a huge cough or dry heaves which is even worse. My back still hurts like crazy so it’s going to be a long, long night. Hopefully, the cough medicine they gave me will work long enough for me to sleep through some of the pain. Recovery is gonna suck.

Ouch. Now my chest is hurting. I guess recovery won’t be as easy as I thought. The pain is getting bad. I’m on Percoset pretty consistently now. Hope I don’t need anything stronger. A nurse mentioned Oxy; pretty sure I want to stay away from that.

Also listening to impeachment hearings where Ambassador Sondland is testifying. I truly believe the lawyers are making things worse by confusing everyone and putting words in the mouth of the witnesses. Every word is beaten to death and simple answers are dragged out so nothing is understandable anymore.

Walking is hard. I just went for my fourth lap around the building today. You can’t imagine how hard it is to walk a few feet. I got dizzy a few times and had to stop to get my bearings. There is one muscle in my back that is killing me. I have an awesome water fed heat pad and a Brookstone massager so hopefully something will work on my back.

I’ve had lots of visitors at the hospital, more than I thought was going to come. After surgery, my sister and my parents came everyday and will be back tomorrow,.

Today, I got a few visitors from church. Two pastors and a staff member cam by to talk to me. I’ve never met out new assistant pastor but he seems like a great guy. He gave a sermon on the difficult road that sometimes God put you on. Good thing I listened to the sermon and was able to apply/think about implications in my life.

Our caring/counseling pastor also showed. He is also a chaplain so he visits a lot of sick people in many hospitals. Another point of perspective for me to think about.

Overall, the room service food at St. Joseph hospital is not bad. I probably rate it a out the same as our work cafeteria except there is a bit more variety at work, and everything is super salty. There are actually many food choices available for patients but since I have to conform to renal and cardiac requirements, the final available set of food I can order is really small. I’ve been getting the teriyaki stir fry which has chicken, vegetables, and white rice. I then get the chicken noodle soup and some dessert. Again, not bad.

To order however, you call an extension and place your order by voice. Half the time, the extension doesn’t work, and the other half of the time, the line is busy. Once you place the order, it takes 45 minutes for the food to arrive so there is a significant wait if you were really hungry.

I have to be more diligent when I leave the hospital. Otherwise I’m going to eat whatever and be in trouble again.

It was a weird feeling to go through an entire day in the hospital and not really know what day it was. The main reminder was actually Monday Night Football. The Chargers lost the game but I was able to squeak out a win in fantasy football.

Monday was another day of boredom at the hospital. Some of the nurses are putting in consecutive days/shifts so I’m getting to know them pretty well. All are professional and nice to their patients. I am still trying to stand up without falling down from afib; I think the IV Amiodarone is working. Drug is supposed to be very toxic so I want off ASAP.

Hemodialysis is going well. I had another session yesterday (Monday) and felt a lot better than previously. They came and flushed out my PD catheter but it’s still there waiting to be removed. Blood pressure, heart rate, and blood sugar have all stabilized so maybe I can get out of here soon.

Sorry but a lot of these posts have small post-publish edits. I typed most of the hospital and ER posts on my iPhone and iPad and I am horrible at typing on the small keyboard. I fixed most of the errors using my work computer so the edits will probably continue.

I think at some point I said I’d rather have cancer than kidney failure. You can “cure” cancer into submission but without a transplant, there is no end to dialysis and kidney failure.

Well, again I was stupid and speaking nonsense. While visiting me yesterday, my sister found out that a good high school friend is dying from terminal cancer. It is too late for chemotherapy so the friend’s mom is looking for a final resting place hospice. In comparison, open heart surgery and kidney failure is not that bad.

I can also see the effect this tragic news has on my sister, which makes me realize how selfish I was. Sure, it’s my life to live or not, but that decision has a huge impact on family and friends. I shouldn’t be talking or making decisions about my life so flippantly.

Today is Monday so I’m starting my second week in the hospital. I’ve continued to go into afib when I stand and that’s causing weakness and nausea. I think they need to keep me longer for observations since they can’t let me go home like this. Hemodialysis has been going well since my blood toxicity was pretty high on PD. I think my creatinine has dropped from 20 to 7 already.

I am still in a lot of pain, especially moving or coughing up phlegm. I think things are getting better though. I also found out that I will be going back to Sister Elizabeth for dialysis on TTS (Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday). I know everyone on TTS shift so the transition should be easy. Just waiting to be discharged from the hospital now.

That’s it. No more peritoneal dialysis (PD) for me. After five months, it’s just not working out. My blood is as toxic as ever and creatinine levels are up to 20. Ridiculous for someone on dialysis. Since I’m not cured and will have to continue with hemodialysis for awhile, I will keep this blog going but focus on the struggles of hemodialysis, especially when I will be an invalid in the next few months, recovering from open heart surgery.

I’ve been struggling with this simple question for awhile now. Why me? Why didn’t God just heal me? Is He ignoring the prayers of hundreds of people? What kind of God allows His people to suffer anyway?

The thing I hate most now is becoming a burden. Even after the difficult recovery, I still do not have good kidneys. Living with dialysis is hard enough. Now we add heart surgery? At what point do I just give up? Now that I have no urine output, 10 days is all it takes to move on and not be a burden anymore. I’ve thought about this more than once. 🙁

So what do I do now? I’ve always worked since high school and to have months of disability ahead is scary. Lots of physical therapy ahead and hopefully plenty of healing. I do think that my mind needs more healing than my body so I have to figure that out first and find meaning in the midst of all this suffering.

I hate IV’s. It usually hurts and you can’t move or bend your arm. I don’t remember having 8 IV drugs/fluids pushed into me but it’s got to be some kind of record.

A lot has happened since last Monday. It’s now Monday morning at 4:20am and the past week has been very eventful. I did have a heart attack Sunday night and I ended up needing an emergency heart bypass surgery. The surgeon performed four CABGs or Coronary Artery Bypass Graft on me, replacing arteries in my heart with veins from my leg. This is your classic open heart surgery scenario where they saw through your sternum and crack open your rib cage. I now have about two months of healing to do with no work or driving allowed.

They also did TMR or Transmyocardial Laser Revascularization while inside, drilling little hole in my heart with a laser. Overall it took seven hours for all the procedures and I heard everything went well.

Here is a summary of each day in the hospital so far:

Monday, November 11th

• Went to St. Joseph hospital ER
• Was admitted to hospital for observation with heart in arterial fibrillation
• Troponin levels at 4.5; normal is 0.00 to 0.40

Tuesday, November 12th

• Tropinone levels at 11 indicating heart tissue damage from heart attack
• Emergency angiogram performed and found four badly blocked arteries
• Bypass surgery scheduled for Thursday

Wednesday, November 13th

• Since PD wasn’t working for me anymore, we decided to have another surgery to put in a catheter for hemodialysis; I’ve had one installed before so this was my third dialysis catheter in six months and more holes in my chest
• Catheter in and starting hemodialysis again; a real PITA when you can’t drive anymore
• Threw up when they give me too many blood pressure drugs and my bp dropped to 80/40
• Having major doubts regarding doing surgery, I.e., maybe just fading away would be easier on everyone (more later); brothers from small group visits me in DSU

Thursday, November 14th

• Completely shaved in bed by nurses in prep for open heart surgery; only left armpits and top of head unshaved
• senior pastor from my parent’s Church prays over me in Chinese; read a passage from Isaiah 50, will need to check out later
• Seven hour surgery to do a couple of things to my heart so it’s not broken anymore; beginning of new life

Friday, November 15th

• Wake up at 4am from surgery and breathing tube removed
• Recovering in ICU with blood and fluids draining from chest cavity
• Tried walking and got all dizzy and nauseous; threw up again

Saturday, November 16th

• Moved out of ICU and into cardiac telemetry ward
• Chest tubes removed
• Started eating without throwing up again thought food selection choices are very limited (renal and cardiac)

Sunday, November 17th

• Healing under observation; vitals check every 3 hours so no sleep for extended periods of time
• Sore everywhere, especially when coughing; feels like chest going to split open; also lots of pain in never used back muscles
• Lots of visitors and time to contemplate meaning of this week in God’s Kingdom: why me, where was God in all this, what about grace and healing, what am I going to do with my new life?

ER room 7 at St. Joseph hospital

I went to a previously scheduled appointment with my PD nurse Monday morning. I felt fine, even with my heart beat still running at 150 bps. I was actually ready to go back to work right after the appointment.

My nephrologist was rounding at the clinic so she had a listen and suggested I go to the ER. I had originally objected but she was persistent. So I went and sat almost seven hours in that room.

Heart rate is back to “normal” after about 3 hours. I was basically lying down all that time, out-of-breath and dizzy. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something and I was going to die without finding out if the latest transplant process is preceding. Add to the chaos, the cycler was acting up. My nurse wanted a sample of the used dialysis solution but with the extra midday fill, the 15 L drain bag is not big enough. He gave me a Y-adapter to attach two bags but I guess it was too much air for the cycler to push during the priming cycle. It kept giving me an error, even after I changed out one solution bag and the tubing set. Finally I removed the adapter and the second drain bag and everything worked, but for two hours I was trying to fix this while trying not to pass out from low blood pressure and 150 bps heart rate.

Again, just when you think things can’t get worse, something new and terrible will come and surprise you.

I’m not even 100% sure how I feel much less what to write but I’m getting more and more bitter everyday, especially with the news that I may need to return to hemodialysis. When I walk by people complaining about random stuff at work, my first thought is, “Well, at least you have working kidneys.” I hate that I have these thoughts.

You look back in your life and think, “I must have impacted more than 2 people positively.” I used to donate blood pretty regularly and signed up as a bone marrow donor. I definitively would donate a kidney to a family member but really don’t know how I would react to each acquaintance.

For example, my sister is going to a large family reunion in Canada next week. I would go if I could travel. I’m pretty sure someone will ask where I am. Sure it’s pretty lame to ask for a kidney donation so I can travel; but what about to stay alive? What if I had died and one out of the 40 relatives at the reunion could have saved me with a donation?

One of my church cell group members volunteered to donate awhile ago. He’s the wrong blood type so I didn’t pursue it. I was also in shock that a non-family member would think about volunteering. But he’s the only one at a church of 800+. There has been many prayer sessions with the entire congregation, and each time I go, people come up to me to say they will pray for me. I’m sure they are all very sincere and believe that their prayers will do something but the cynical side of me thinks that “prayer is cheap.” I’m guilty of this too. I sometimes pray for things in situations where I can actually do something to help but decided it wasn’t worth the effort, probably nothing a large as an organ donation. But still, part of the reason I’ve stopped going to church is that I have to update everyone that I see in return for some well wishes and promise of prayer.

Sigh… I know donating a kidney is a BIG DEAL. I’m already surprised my high-school friend has been so persistent in donating. Of course there are no expectations; how do you ask or guilt someone into giving you an organ? But slowly I’m accepting that I may end up dying in a crowd of family of friends that basically is doing nothing.